For some, loving all that is you, all that is true, is a painful effort we have to face. Our need to feel good in moments of discomfort can often lead us to feelings of anxiety, stress and the idea that we just cannot seem to find that glimmer of light that resides in us. It is no secret that our obsession for perfection, although worthy in thought, can lead us to a much darker place than first intended. The pressure of striving for more, whether this be looks, body composition, career goals or happy relationships sees most of us walking into an uphill battle.
At first the challenge seems inspiring. We resonate with others who have finished their journey and come out on top -
‘I worked my ass off and lost 15kg in a year’
‘After 3 years of dating, he got down on one knee’
‘Those efforts you have shown at work have now earned you a promotion’
These stories project greatness, true triumph over diversity. However, many of us fail to read the whole story instead jumping from start to finish.
We set our standards to a comparison of another’s success and when we see the wall that we have to climb in order to fulfil that desire, that win, we crumble.
The question offered is: How can we finish what we started, without stopping through the grind?
For many years now I have felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to be thin. I suppose you could say my initial desire to ‘fit in’ started the isolated disease of anorexia. The stories of those around me inspired me and motivated me toward eating healthier, getting fitter and looking (so, so wrong) better. I had surrounded myself with a group of people who seemingly were happy, vibrant and loving of themselves and they were always slender.
Perhaps, my obsession for perfection could also be attributed to my disease. The challenge was in operating this beautiful temple I call my body, while also starving it of crucial nutrients and minerals. Could I do it? Could I sustain life, with all that it throws at me, without fuel in my system? The longer I could go for without passing anything more than coffee threw my lips was a win for me. A triumph so great, that I then would challenge myself further advancing to extra hours the next day and so forth.
Now this may seem as though I am writing with the purpose of appraising ED. Truth be told, there would have been a time that I would have, but not now. My true challenge, through all of my internal suffering of starvation and resistance was overcoming this battle with my relationship toward food. Whether you started where I did, or perhaps your true battle is finding too much comfort in food, being a bad partner or showing little motivation at work, there is hope.
For me, adhering to eating three meals a day was the first step. I would often look at the plate in front of me and weep. Weep for my loss of resilience, restraint. There were times that I failed. I failed to see the benefit in what I was doing so I just stopped. However, I never quit.
You can stop, breath, refocus. You can never, however, quit.
This is the answer to climbing that wall. Recognition of your challenge is one thing, but continuing to build momentum and strive toward the final destination is another. The moments of pause through out my recovery were evident, but they never halted me. 5 years on, and I won’t lie to you – its hard. Its really fucking hard. To wake up each morning and not scan my body for the most minute issue, or jump on a scale to have a number tell me my self worth or even just to feel as though everybody isn’t staring, judging, my body. These feelings never truly leave you, but the more time you give yourself to heal, the longer the time is between these feelings of self doubt and insecurity, until one day they are gone completely and unapologetically.
No matter who you are, what challenge it is that you are facing, know this:
You are beautiful. You are seen. You are heard. You are loved.
Start today, just one thing, that will begin your journey toward a better self – You are worthy.
H xx
